sinong bestfriend mo doon?

After a series of events




After the growing distance




You can't just come back,

like that. In an instance.



You may think its just that easy



But frankly, its not.



See the spaces?
Fill them up.



and maybe you can think again.



Who is your bestfriend?







Because if you're saying I still am,



We are not on the same page...

missing

bumalik ka na
ngunit 'di ka pa nakikita
kailan pa kaya kita
muling magugunita

nais kang makapiling
nais kang yakapin
nais lang humiling
na ika'y sumama sa akin

sana'y magkita tayo
bukas man o ngayon
sa panaginip aantayin
sa paggising hahanapin

bukas

hinihintay ang iyong ngiti
inaabangan na iyong mapawi
ang kalungkutan ngayong gabi
sa presensya mong mapalamuti

ngayon ika'y nasa malayo
ngunit nanakubli parin sa aking puso
na inaasam ang iyong pagbalik
at sasalubungin ka ng halik

sa iyo namulat nang muli
at pumanaw ang pagkasawi
sa iyo muling nabuhayan
at nawala ang lahat ng kasinungalingan

sana'y sa iyong pagdating
ang lahat ay pareho pa rin

we, wishing, hoping

'tis never an intention
for the heart to crave attention
its mostly pure affection
intuition and attraction

like running through the rain
sun setting, calling your name
challenging the shame
hoping you feel the same

just hoping that you will
lay your head, be still
wrapped around my arms
listen to the song of my heart

feel the warmth of summer with me
and then begin to see
that me and you are meant to be
waking up's not right without we

nakita ka pa talaga

di ka nalang sana nakita
e kasama pa pala kita
sa grupong binuo
ng mga taong gustong matuto

nagunita ka lang
gumuho na pati ang buwan
hindi man namalayan
ikaw pa rin ang nilalaman ng pusong naguguluhan

hindi ko talaga alam
kung dapat ba siya'y sundan
at mawalan na ng pakialam
sa magpakailanman

wala naman kasing nangyari
sa ating dalawa
bago pa man masimulan
hinarangan mo na ang daanan

e aasa pa ba ako
sa bukas na walang kasiguraduhan
sa pintong nakasarado
sa pusong walang pahintulot?

nalulungkot ako, aamin ako sa iyo
na sana'y nabigyan man lang ako
ng pakakataong mapakilala ang totoo kong pagkatao
at kung sino ba talaga ako

wala akong sinisisi
wala ka namang kasalanan
sana lang maintindihan
ang isang taong may ipinaglalaban

ipinaglalabang pagmamahal
sa taong hindi man lang makakita
ay ewan ko ba
sana man lang magsisi ka

just tonight

you left me just tonight
without thinking of any reason why

you left without a trace
without even showing your face

you left me just tonight
and i don't even know why

just like blink of an eye
you forgot about you and i

headshot

ba't 'di ka matuwa?
ngawa ka nang ngawa
sapul ako, oo
pero 'di ako tanga

dati na kasi akong pinaso
sinasabi ko sa'yo
kaya takot akong tumaya
masakit kasing madapa

kung may tutunguhan ba
sabihan mo ako
'di ako manghuhula
'di lahat alam ko

sapul ako, oo
pero 'di ako tanga
kung ayaw mo sa akin
puwes bahala ka na

hindi ko masasabi
na 'di ako masasaktan
gusto nga kita
kaya natural na 'yan

kung gusto mo ako
ipakita mo man lang
tao ako, nakararamdam
hindi bato na walang pakialam

sapul ako, oo
pero 'di ako tanga
sana maintindihan mo
na minamahal kita

sembreak

isang buwan halos
panahon para utak ay mapahinga
oras upang katawa'y kumalma

hindi nga lang napigil
ang puso sa panggigigil
sa pagtibok

utang na loob
saklolo
ayoko nang lumubog

ang lamig ng oktubre ko

hindi ko alam kung ano'ng nangyari sa'yo
hindi natatanto kahit na anino mo

para kang bato
napakatigas mo

ang lamig ng oktubre ko
akala mo parang pasko

ni sambit man ng mga bati ko
hindi nasasagot ng simpleng "hello"

eh ano bang gagawin ko
dito sa nararamdaman ko para sa'yo?

magpapakagago ba ako?
dahil ikaw ang gusto ko?

nawindang ang mundo ko
mula nang pinasok mo ito

pero mga pahapyaw ko'y 'di mo nasalo
mastalo pa ako sa tumaya ng lotto

assurance por favor

in a careful, cautious pace
open eyes, open heart
hoping each move leads to another
seeking not a dead end

every step, an adventure
every next scene unknown
every dream, more important
every day spent, a joy

and when not hearing from you
lost and in unrest
when searching for you
troubled and in need

yearning for the warmth
hungry for your touch
even a single breath
is a precious life renewed

feeling that every effort falls in vain
not accepted, just thrown away
not needed, just playing a game
hiding, not wanting to be found

tell me then, what it is you yearn
tell me someday, somehow
that the clouds of doubt shall wander
elsewhere, not here, not now

keep me from falling
if I'm falling to an undending doom
keep me from loving
if loving you is being but a fool

oasis in the end

so we've been
through days of unfulfillment
through rough winds of endangerment
through storm-drenched dawns

with solid breaths
trying to hold still in the earth's anger
persuading to never give up
fighting, staying alive

for sacrifice is a speck of dust
in a desert vast, undending
seemingly endless
hoplessly desolate

when with a blink
an oasis appears
all the toils and troubles
suddenly fade and disappear

so always hold on
as the winds threaten your trust
and the current leads you away
and the waves drown your hopes

I will be with you
arms opened wide
face concerned
while wishing your will

praying for your perseverance
knowing you will prevail
seeing the eyes of a fighter
who never qiuts on a dream

caught up in an everlasting joy

not really so sure about this feeling
a feeling much higher than any high
undoubtedly I'm feeling a rhapsody
a lightness and a strong conviction
creeping, starting from where my heart beats

slowly it covers my everyday
with thoughts of you that linger
in every time I gaze into reality
that is in a dream that is relived
each moment repeating a smile of yesterday

can this fool be really in such bliss?
what have the heavens brought in front of me?
can i really handle this feeling?
caught up in an everlasting joy

seemingly crazy but isn't that what all fools are?
crazy when love knocks on their door
covered up in passion, waiting to explore
caught up in an everlasting joy

what I have is not enough, I know

like a sorry old coin you don't remember
you dropped under the seat of your car
waiting to be noticed one desperate morning
willing to burn away the time for that moment

frozen there like the unwound clock
sitting by the piles of paper on your desk
staring at you needing to be put to life again
wanting to stretch my arms around once more

just like the dirty old rag you walk on
as you hurrily enter your white front door
every single night you come back home
needing to be cleansed from this misery

because my love falls like the water
flowing from the mountain top
reaching far to touch your soul

and my heart burns just like the shore
as the waves push to kiss the sand
with sweet passion, gently crashing

because my feelings are so real
like the moon that illuminates
even the darkest starless sky

what i have is not enough, i know
but even though its not that much
you can always count on this, my dear
whatever i have, is always for you
and what i feel for you will always be true

seal it with a kiss

what does each new day have in store for me?
is every other minute another mystery?
a new door that is opening
to an unending starlit sky?
waiting for a touch to take away the cold,
sitting here just waiting for your call

is it in your hand that i can depend?
take away all my hurt; take away my sorrow
is it that everlasting smile,
that draws me close to you
and keeps me running back to you?

i want to feel your lips
gently pressing on to mine
seal it with a kiss
that keeps telling me your mine

saturday

Unexpectedly, i find myself clinging on
Holding on to every memory with you
Rewinding back to that day,
that night when i first met you

Thinking, vividly, of that place,
in a wild yet peaceful setting,
while the moon shun through the clouds,
and quiet drizzles would, once in a while, tease

It was then that we were introduced,
influenced by alcohol and unending clamor
We painted a picture of each self,
to forever linger in the depths of our feelings

I know more of you just by that moment
Yet, I still hunger to know you more
Will we be graced with another situation,
and find, as we dance violently, a serentiy to share?

dedicated to the people who went to 19A Grouper Street, Subic July 2-3, 2005

i miss you

just two weeks since we first met
just two days since we last saw each other
just two hours since we last talked
but not a minute passes by that i don't miss you

your smile is all i need
your kiss makes me believe
your love is all i ask
and i'm happy with you at last

under a blanket of stars
we are in each other's arms
with rythmic movement we dance
and hold each other's hands

i wait for each moment with anxiousness
when i can finally feel your nearness
all i can do now is wish
and think about the one i miss

boy meets girl and vice versa

noong una, hindi sigurado
kung gagalaw at kikilos
iniisip na hindi nararapat
ang tulad ko sa kaniya

nahihiya at nagdadalawang isip
puso at utak, hindi umiimik
may pakiramdam na hindi, ni minsan, naranasan
nang siya'y biglang lumapit

tumabi siya't ngumiti
puso ko'y panandaliang napigil
ngumiti pabalik ng may hiya
nadinig ko ang kaniyang tawa

nagpakilala siya
kung kaya't ganun narin ako
mata ko'y di makatitig
kamay ko'y di mapakali

hindi alam ang sasabihin
hindi alam ang gagawin
parang batang naligaw
natatakot, ngunit di pinamimithi

parang isang torpeng tinulak
ipinabahala na ang pagkatapos
idinasal nalang sa Diyos
na ang sandaling iyon ay hindi na matapos

nakilala ko siya
nakilala niya ako
sa pagtapos nitong tula
magsisimula na ako

can this be real?

with andaunting uncertainty
a movement unparallel
a feeling unthought of
finally feeling for another

with fingers crossed
a heart open and hoping
for the same warmth
and the realness felt

for all the feelings of delight
for the nearness and trust
for the unselfishness and giving
for the sharing of souls

it is hard not to wonder
if it could happen again
finding one's self
in a blissful state

just simply wishing
that it would be the same
or even better than the past
with real love and affection

yet still wondering
if it is really better
the second time around
when one has learned from his mistakes

lubdub

though deaf ears don't hear
and blind eyes do not see
it does not matter
because a heart overflowing
is all one needs

with love and unending desire
with power and unyielding passion
one does not need to see, hear
for his heart communicates so clear

sands and stars

"Dream of red sands and silent stars," she said.
The meaning, I am still unsure of.
While I twist and turn on my bed,
And the alcohol swims inside of me,
My mind is in a state of wonder.

I figured out today,
that in a world of possible things,
It wont hurt to dream the unknown,
The impossible.

Magsaya

Alintana man ang nakaraan
Masakit man ang pinanggalingan
Mabaho man ang dinaanan
Sa simpleng ligaya ay nabubura

Sinaktan man ng hagupit
Kinaladkad man at pinasabit
Binastos at iwinalang-bahala
Magsaya't may bukas pa

Hindi na importante ang kahapon
Hindi na naaalala iyon
Kinalimutan na ang kahalagahan
At iniwan na ang kinasaktan

Hindi man mahilom ang sugat
Hindi na rin iniintindi ang sakit
Dahil wala nang pakialam
At hindi rin naman talaga nasaktan

Kathang-isip lamang na dati siya'y nariyan
Ngunit ang katotohanan
Guni-guni ko lamang
Masaya na, dahil sa wakas siya na ri'y nalimutan

Lead Me Where To Go

Steadfastly moving in coherence
With arms widespread and heart open
Eventually receiving the translation
Unfortunately confronting the harsh truth

With a fist enclosed and a heart in flames
With a mind wrecked and a heart mixed up
Realization of a folly made true
And a lie just left to be realized

Nothing is clear still, nothing is real
Nothing explainable, nothing I can hear
Still feeling betrayed and forgotten
Still feeling the chill of the sting

By a shared promise forgotten
A cherished yesterday left to dry
A happy ending wasted in the wind
A promise written by the cursed

in search

Finding myself in a middle of a maze,
Puzzled uncertain and desolate
I reach out for help
I cry for answers
I search for meaning

Busily I am unable to see,
The truth wandering over,
The friendship torn apart,
The reality of it all,
The betrayal and wandering of souls

One word changed it all
One mistake kept me lost
One challenge made me hesitant
One person made me whole
One day I will have it all

Come to think of it,
The burden rests not on me
The maze is but a fickle imagination,
That visits every now and then
Those who make me seek,
Are those who are in reality, lost

For as you live in a world of bliss,
when you sleep, there is uncertainty,
If you will wake from a dream,
Or from a nightmare;
A hole you dug yourself in too deep

hindi ko alam

Hinagpis ng pagluha
Kabigatang hindi maintindiham
Inis na hanggang ngayo'y nararamdaman
Ng isang pusong basta na lang iniwanan

Walang pasabi man lang
Biglang ibang landas na ang kinuhanan
Hindi na muling itinahak
Ang kalsadang parating dinadaanan

Parang tinalikuran na lamang
Ng Hudas na walang pakialam
Wala man lang kinikilingan
At walang iniisip man lang

Hindi na siguro maipapawi
Ang tadyak na nadama ko
Sa bawat pagsulong sa baha
Nadarama ko parin ang pagluha

Mistulan Nang Nawawala

Hirap na sa paghuhula
Dinadala lang ng pasensya
Naghahanap ng kasagutan
Namumuhay sa pangarap
Ngumingiti sa mga alaala
Nagdadalamhati sa nadarama
Hinahanap ang kasiyahan
Sa lugar na hindi kaniya

Hindi kailanman naanyayaan
Ng kamahalan at karangyaan
At patuloy na inaasa ang inaasam
Sa hindi naman nakakakita
Habang patuloy na idinidikta
Ang mga naisususlat na tula
Sa hindi naman makaunawa

Hindi humihingi
Naghahanap lamang
Ng kaunting pagtutulak
At pagpapaalala
Kung ang ginagawa'y mali na
O kung may tatahakin pang pag-asa

A Bird's Eye View

Love moves indistinctively
With no reprise and with no warning
It encompasses the whole heart
And leads the mind into choosing
It leads to inspiration and passion
It creates a pseudo truth in a world full of lies
It sugarcoats the darkness and blinds the unkind


It is a bittersweet experience
And a teaching of truth
It is forever a mystery
Where blindness in not necessarily a burden
It is a formation of one from two
A collection of reality
And a formation of value and what matters most

Un...

There is a side of me that lingers in your presence
Aand a side of me that hides from your eyes,
Unseen, unfelt, uncared-for...

With slashes of a burning knife and stabs from darts,
I am uncherished, unthought-of, unknown...
In treacherous waters i choose to dive
Where there is uncertainty, unawareness, unlove...
When will i be saved from the unjust, unhappy, uninspired?

confusion (mind vs. heart)

What do I do?
Do I give it all up to live a life just for you?
Where do I go?
'Cause I want to be where ever you go
What do I say?
When what you've done is take those words away...

I want to stop thinking and start moving on
I guess its the hardest thing to do
Since the very bottom line is a life spent with you
I'm sick and tired of hiding
all the pain and the fear and the madness deep inside
Please let me do the singing
And I'll bring you to the moon and to the stars

I want to show you how it feels to be left behind
Yet I can't get myself to do
'Cause of the pain you might feel in your heart
Inspite all the hurt I've had from the start
I can't think of passing them on to you
'Cause its in you I hold on to
And its you who makes me new

What we have here is a failure to communicate

What goes on in that mind of yours?
More importantly, what does your heart speak?
Must I be riddled in all the day's hours?
Is your embrace asleep as I seek?

What will be my shelter while you hide?
What will be my shield, my strength, my guide?
Who do I run to when my eyes start to weep?
Who will I lean on to when I am weak?

It's a pain that you alone can mend
It's a thirst that you alone can quench
It's a numbness you alone can awake
It's a madness only you can contain

For it is in your strength I attain my own
It by your side that I am never alone
It is in you that I am able to see the light
But why is it in the darkness you choose to reside?

In the darkness where I am unable to see
In the darkness where anger supresses me
In the darkness where I am tired and lost
In the darkness where I am but a shadow, a ghost

A mere breath can bring back the tranquility
A mere whisper can bring the dusk to dawn
A song can awaken the morning sun
But all is lost if you are gone

A Cut Throat Lie

Love made me cry last night
For once again I was denied
From Happiness, From smiles
Once again i was set aside
Pushed over by reasons and alibis

Waited hours for a moment together
Then reality lead itself in
Instead of a happily ever after ending
Love, which started it, sourly ended my dream

make it known

i need the hair that flows softly from her head
on her face, the lips that bloom so red
her eyes that wander everytime that she is shy
her arms that sway as she treads by

i need her hands, that touch of warmth
with overflowing care
her body standing proudly with stability and strength
most of all, her fragility where i can only give my care

will i finally get to mend those wounds,
tame that fear, and finally make her
heart beat truthfully again?

love and a book

Opening a book is the most difficult thing to do. Like love, it makes you hesitate at first. Once started; makes you wish it would never end. When ended; leaves you wanting even more.

where she is

often assumed
seldom felt
most of the time wanted, needed, longed for

Sand

The sands blown by the wind travel far, though unnoticable as they part ways and become mere tiny specks. And as a speck the sand waits until again it is blown to its place and is able to signifiy beauty once again.

and so the saying is true, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down...

This stout guy, a professor of mine in the university was blabbing theological ideas to us students at around 130 to 300 this afternoon... Of all the things he said, what struck me was something he quoted about this philosopher, Martin Heighdeger ( I really don't know how to spell out his last name but that's that.) He said that as we grow older, we are not living but in a way dying and we really don't know when. This made me think a lot of what was going on in this travel of mine. Maybe it just is that way. You live to inevitably die and it was made clear to me the importance of what I do as I journey along this world. Do I really have substance or am I a fool knowing nothing, experiencing numbness? In this, I've realized that sadness is merely stupidity. Emotions are part of our living and living is, in itself, the beauty given to us. Through the laughs, the joys, the tears, the madness, there is one truth--that life is unique as we are and in this, we must realize that we are here to experience and to pleasure ourselves, be thankful for being alive and hope for the best. Because as the wheel turns, it will roll back up again. And if we feel sad, it's, most of the time, just our stubbornness and blindness of being able to see the most important thing. We are alive, we are loved (even though we think otherwise) and life is short to be stupid. Anticipate the end; it is unclear. Yet, we have today, this hour, this minute, this second, this moment, to feel lucky that we are, indeed, alive.

Tending to The Garden

I fear for I don't know why it is so... And what I am unclear of, I try so hard to find. Yet, continuing my search seems hopeless when the answer is the question and the both of them is you... How haste brought happiness and sadness like blinks of an eye they opened and closed, leaving not much to cherish. You just look away and its done... That moment of bliss and an apparent infinite dream, took away by a thief with no identity, no name... Hoping for something i'm not even sure exists and it pains like a bullet, hurts like a sad song... And though I try to believe otherwise, the virus is incurable for you came, then you left without a trace... With no reason to go, and no face to show... Instead of letting the garden grow, you sold the seeds into a future we both don't know...

don't think. just write.

What do you write when you can think of nothing to? i decided to just write whatever comes to mind. Well, here goes... I watched the amazing race finale a while ago and i was full of envy seeing those fucking foreigners enter a game, come into the philippines, get a chance to visit palawan (somewhere i haven't been to even if i am a filipino). And those fools don't know what the Philippine flag looks like... How arrogant... Lucky they are to have gone to Palawan, but, still, those Americans, they're stupid...

masking

was there ever a time when you thought that you knew everything or was capable of doing anything because you were so sure that you can never feel the pain, be hurt, or feel unwanted? well, that's what i used to believe myself to be... but when you grow up and you learn to actually feel or actually act upon life, you find it not as easy as it seems... first you learn that even though you love, it isn't certain that love embraces you back... then you find yourself fighting with everything you've got but it just isn't enough because the light you emanate and the painting that you are is just not what their looking for... then failure starts to daunt you... its inevitable that you encounter it once in a while... its a curse, maybe, that we all just have to live with... then there's shame... why do we have to deal with it? aren't we supposed to live our life as we choose to live them? aren't we the makers of our own courses in life? then why was shame invented? was it because we should be awaken from the fact that life is really not perfect? i believe it could have been if not for those arrogant fools who think they have everything in the world... but it's obvious that they still get jealous of seeing other people happy so they trample on the little ones and they feel satisfied because they feel that they have gained... and so now everyone is ashamed... everyone wants to hide... everyone wants to be or even just seem happy in life just because they are ashamed...

now people wear masks. it feels so close to living... it is how people, somehow, feel secure...

while i'd like to curse whoever created shame, i'd like to say thanks to the one who created the analogy of the mask to pretention... its been a very helpful alternative to living.

at least to me it has...